Exactly 2 weeks ago from today, my mind began wondering, for the umpteenth time, whether there really is only one true religion in the world, and maybe I’m in the wrong one. So I thought let me pray. First, I prayed to Krishna to please reveal Himself to me. Then I prayed to God, without any hint of sectarian beliefs or distinction between religions – just the God of this creation, asking to know Him and worship Him the way He would like me to. I asked to be shown what the truth is and what the truth isn’t, so I would be able to distinguish which religion is bonafide.
So I logged on to http://www.krishna.com and there was a verse quoted:
“Abandon all varieties of religion and just surrender unto Me. I shall deliver you from all sinful reactions. Do not fear.” BG 18.66
How appropriate, no? It was like Krishna was literally guiding me. But being as foolish as I am, I still remained skeptical for the next 2 days, praying again and again for Krishna and/or God to reveal Himself, and reveal the truth to me. I was literally frustrated for those 2-3 days, losing my interest in chanting, losing interest in praying, worshipping, etc. I was just fed up. I was like, how can I worship God when I don’t even know Him? I didn’t see the use of chanting, but I still did it anyway.
Then somehow I experienced a change of heart. I don’t know what happened or how it happened, but I started to swell with love for Krishna. Somehow, this desire to make my own little altar for Krishna made itself apparent. I started feeling devotional again, despite my efforts not to! This just reminds me of how even though we might forget Krishna, He never forgets us.
After this I just forgot all my doubts and questions and fell in love with Krishna all over again, without even trying. It’s like Krishna’s love bloomed like a lotus in muddy water. Hari Hari. Forgive me, Lord, for questioning You all the time. You are my only worship-able Lord.
On Sunday this past week, Krishna again showered mercy on me though I was completely undeserving. Something had happened and I was enraged. It was one of those days where everything was going wrong and like, important things were broken, nothing was going right, I was under mental stress, etc. I’m not going to explain in detail what happened, but something was not working the way it was supposed to. I tried to fix it but in vain. I got so mad. In a fit of rage, I said to Krishna, “You do not have an ounce of love for me today! Today, You do not love me! You have no mercy for me! Everything is going wrong. Why are You troubling me so much today?” The rage got worse and amidst tears I said to Krishna, “If You do not help me, if You do not fix things for me, I will never pray to You again!”
You can guess what happened next. I tried to fix it again, and it actually got fixed. I felt humbled and grateful to Krishna but this did not last long. A few minutes later, something else was broken and wouldn’t work properly. Again, the same thing happened.
“Why are you troubling me so much today? If You do not help me fix this, I will not come to You again!”
After that I sort of understood how to fix it and it actually worked. Again, I felt humbled. I felt grateful. I felt remorseful. I lashed out at Krishna and He still helped me, even though I was completely undeserving. The Lord’s mercy knows no bounds. Even in bouts of anger, He is always loving.
Today I was thankful to Krishna for something, so I said to Him out loud, “I love You.” I felt such a great feeling of freedom and peace. It felt amazing. You should definitely try it. Just think of nothing but Krishna. Say it with feeling, say it from the heart. Just tell Him you love Him. Say out aloud, “I love You, Krishna!” I couldn’t stop saying it after that. I just said it right from the heart and it felt so blissful. I said it again and again and again, with the amazing feeling not deteriorating at all.
Krishna’s love. Oh His love!