A Letter to Krishna

Dear Krishna,

I miss you. Its been such a long time since I felt close to you. Like always, its my fault. I don’t spend enough time with you and getting to know you. Do you miss me too Krishna? I know you do. You always do. But why do you stay so far away from me sometimes? Why do you make me long for you like this?

Things have been hard for me lately. With this OCD, and weak physical condition, every day has become difficult. But this must be part of your plan for me. It must be necessary for me so that I can become the person that you want me to be, so that I can realize my true spiritual identity, and so that I can learn to depend on you and trust you. You didn’t hide this misery from us. From the beginning you told us that this world is dukhalayam asasvatam – full of miseries. You told us that while we are in this material world, we will experience birth, disease, old age and death. So this was no secret. Of course. You would never hide anything from us.

Despite knowing this, I still waste my time trying to find material happiness instead of trying to find you. But Gopinath, do you think I am being too materialistic when I ask you for things? I should hope not. I wouldn’t want to disappoint you and put to waste all the time and effort you spent on molding me. While I am in this material world, I am going to have needs. You understand this of course. That’s why you have so mercifully given us ways to make our material desires spiritual ones by keeping you in the center. It is not easy to do this all the time because I still have a long way to go on this path to being able to even be called a devotee of Lord Krishna. So I will admit I still have many material desires. And I almost always beg you to grant my wishes. If I don’t come to you, if I don’t ask you, then whom shall I ask? There is no one for me but you. Forgive me Lord for asking you for so much all the time. Every day I have a new demand. But Krishna, just like you waited for Sudama to ask you to fulfill his needs, I know you expect us to come to you with our needs.

I cannot compare myself to Sudama, I know. But I am trying to learn from your leelas. Am I your friend, Lord? Are you mine? You are the Eternal Friend of every soul in this entire creation. And as your friend, my dear dear Govinda, I am asking you to be my release, to be my guide, to provide for me, to support me, to stay by my side, to protect me and to help me love you forever. If you think of me as your friend, Gopinath, please consider my requests. In the Gita, you say that the reasons one approaches you is either (1) due to distress, (2) due to desire of wealth, (3) out of curiosity and (4) to know the absolute truth. My Lord, I have come before you now because I am in distress and I desire for you to provide for me.

I am tired of this weak physical condition. I am tired of having OCD. It depresses me so much that I do not have a job while all my friends do. I know earlier I wanted a job simply because all my friends had one and I didn’t. And I’m glad you didn’t give me a job at that time because that is a terrible attitude to have. It is selfish. It would feed my ego. Then when I got a job, it was low paying. Again, it was much lesser than my friends were getting. But again, I am glad about it because that too would have fed my ego about how much money I had. But Gopal, I had to quit that job. I had to quit. After 9 months of trouble finding a job, struggling with OCD and failing health, I finally found the perfect job. But I had to quit because of the washrooms. It hurts so bad Gopinath it hurts so bad. The morning after I quit I woke up feeling the deepest regret – thinking I should have gone to work and tried to use the washroom again, should have tried to adjust to it… I should have. I would have still had my job, I would have fallen in love with my job, I would have earned money at the end of the month and donated some to propagate Krishna Consciousness, and helped pay for my sister’s university fees, helped my family… But I had to quit, Gopinath. And I feel so much regret. I wish I was stronger than this.

But I am starting to think that it all happened so fast. And that it was all your desire. It was your will. Not even a blade of grass moves without your sanction so how could this have happened if it wasn’t in your desire? My Lord, you have your reasons for this which I cannot see right now but I trust that it will be revealed to me in time.

I trust you Krsna. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of reminders of you. On the first day of work, I saw a devotee chanting in the metro. That was new! I never saw any devotees in the metro before. Then day before yesterday while driving, I saw a devotee chanting in the car in the lane on my left! Again, this was something completely new. Yesterday, I asked you for a sign to give me hope about my job and to release me from these feelings of regret. I asked you to give me a sign so I would know that your plan for me is in action and you have a job in my future. And I saw a devotee from my Gita class (which was also supposed to be yesterday) at the hypermarket. I have rarely ever seen devotees outside. And it was a big shocker since Gita class was supposed to have been going on at that hour. Maybe it was cancelled, I don’t know. But I felt like it was a sign from you, Krsna, reminding me of you and of your family of devotees.

You have made me realize that this is not a competition. It is not a race. I don’t need to earn a salary that is higher than that of my friends. And I thank you for this realization. While some of my friends have reached the top with little effort, perhaps I am one of those people who needs to work hard and struggle to get there. No complaints, Gopinath, for it is your divine will. All I ask is your company. Just stay with me and I will fight this war.

Oh Madhava, please help me find a job that will suit me perfectly in every way, and which will not hamper my devotional service to you. Lord, help me overcome these feelings of regret. Krsna, heal me of these ailments and make me well again. Please God. I beg you. There is no one to help me but you. You are my only friend and you are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Please fill me with the spirit of your devotion. Fill me with your love and faith. I thank you for all the blessings in my life and I thank you for the blessings I know you will continue to pour on me. Forgive me for having upset you so many times. I love you, Krsna. I trust you with my heart and soul. Please stay close to me, my beautiful Madhava. Stay close to my heart and love me always.

Your daughter


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11 responses to “A Letter to Krishna

  1. LoveUevernarayana

    Wow…..DP…, I have tears in my eyes after reading ur letter:-)))))) Wow!!! What a nice out-pour of feelings dp!!!!! and you have signed as “ur daughter” wow………wowow dp am sooooooooooo touched with ur devotion….I wish I was like U:-((((( He wud be so pleased:-)))) Hey certainly dp…..as you rightly understand him, everything happens as per HIS will……so glad to note that u r surrendered unto him!

    HE will certainly do wonders in ur life….u wait & see dp…:-)) He’ll never leave U:-))) Just keep thinking about him and try ur best on attaining what u want to…..HE will always stay with U dear…….HE loves U more than anyone….


    • DrainPiper

      Aww no LUEN, if anything I wish my devotion was steady like yours! I waver so much all the time and I know it hurts Krishna a lot 😦 but its okay because He knows this is a gradual process. After all, bhakti doesn’t come cheap!

      Thanks for your never ending support. I mean isn’t it funny… We have never met each other and we do not really know each other. But still, through Krishna, all of us strangers become like one big family! Your words are true and faith inspiring – I will do as you say and try to trust Him more and more everyday!

  2. @Both of u: i have tears in my eyes!
    First, DP, coz of ur letter, and then coz of aka’s beautiful words πŸ™‚
    It’s maybe only to keep Him closer even when i falter that He has given me friends like u! :))
    You know, it’s kinda funny, but me and LUEN aka met?
    i told her about a Ratha Yatra, and she was there. She was standing close to me, and we were singing together (not knowing it was us).
    We were on such a high that day, singing, making the other sing, chanting His names even as we pulled Kothai’s (Aandal) ratha.
    All along, believe it or not, i always had an inkling it was her. It was so obvious on her face- the love she had for Him. πŸ™‚
    And so, i went and gave her special directions and all to have a good darshan πŸ™‚
    And, then i emailed her my doubt, and she was like, yeah, that was me…

    • DrainPiper

      OMG!! No waaayyyy!!! Wow that is INSANEEEE!! Krishna and His leelas! They are waaaayyyyy beyond my comprehension! That too in a place like India where it’s always crowded and there are SOOO many people! Wow this is unbelievable!!!!

  3. LUEN

    ILWK- Hahahahaha….U still think abt it…!!!!!!!!! me tooo! that evening was v spl:-))

    Ya dp….tell me abt it!!!!! it was unbelievable!!!!!!!! we smiled a lot to each other not even knowing it was US:-))) hehehe…see what ALLL he does!


  4. roshni gupta

    hari bol… dp awesome letter…i think u both r olso from ISKCON…ri8

  5. asearchforlove

    Wow , this is how i often catch myself talking with our sweet lord and each time i feel him smiling softly at me and reducing my ego to nothing and replacing it with love ! I often ask for so many childish things too when i am fully aware that i have everything i will ever need if only i can let it in , but still like i said i am still like a child when it comes to krishna.
    I used to think i was so mature , and so many people say that to me too , but when i started to really understand krishna , i felt sooooo small and so little even though he never let me feel unworthy or someone who wouldnt matter , and that made me fill with so much humility when i felt lord’s attention upon me , on someone he doesnt have to give a moment’s attention to and all i really want is to be free from this material world and live in his eternal abode , far away from all the misery and all of this material existence that doesnt really make much sense to me and fills me up with countless insecurities.
    I have just started on this path and i feel i am not even a devotee of god yet i feel him as my best friend , my father and everything that i need in him , but still i wish i could leave behind this small tinge of desire (not for anything bad , but just for something to be exclusively mine and as krishna cant be so i think i ask him for a soulmate every single day and yes it does seem childish but ah well , as u said i am literally speechless when i experience his leela unfolding all around me and so many times in my own life too).
    I dont think i can ever love anyone so much more tangibly , unconditionally or freely other than Krishna but still maybe like u said we do have certain necessities as long as we are in this material existence and its not too easy to be entirely separate from it as long as we are in it , so i just trust in him unwaveringly that whatever happens in my life will be for the best and he will guide me though i feel guilty because i dont make as much effort from my side as i should (but maybe no amount of effort can ever be enough).
    All i hope is that he doesnt think of me as someone who is bad because i really am not and there is nothing in my heart that isnt visible to him and in the deepest places there is only but love for him.
    And in a way i feel he loves me too (even though i might disappoint him sometimes) because no matter what i do , the only expression i feel coming from him is the soft smile and never have i felt anything else and that makes me want to cry for some reason.
    I really love Krishna and all i wish is that i never forget him from now and someday when i have a soulmate , i will really try and get us both back to our real home , i also pray for my mother who though doesnt understand him as much , still has a good heart and i wish he will always be merciful to her and give her a much better chance to understand him next life (though she might think i am crazy if i told her that).
    I hope he will forgive me for any sins i would have committed in the past and i will really try to not keep resentment any longer in my heart.
    Hmm , i was planning on writing a small comment but ended up writing so much (and i feel i havent written anything at all as yet) , but its just that seeing others loving krishna so much makes my heart strong somehow and gives me happiness.
    I know no one could have the love of krishna exclusively for themselves but still it is the most complete love anyone can ever have and that is why he is the god and everyone loves him πŸ™‚
    I will always be most thankful and most blessed if i can continue to come closer to him each day and someday maybe i will be able to play with him as a child and as a friend , and all of my being will be at peace and full of love and bliss and i hope when it happens it will never end.

    • DrainPiper

      Thank you for sharing your experiences πŸ™‚ It was really nice to read! Don’t worry, Krishna has promised to love us and protect us always. We just have to seek shelter of him, and remember him. In fact, he loves us so much that even if we sometimes forgets him, he comes and reminds us that he is there!

  6. Yes , he is the kindest and simply the best among all beings and i just done know if i can ever attain him , i feel so small. I feel myself to be so inconsequential even though i know how much he loves everyone , i just wish i could be as strong in my love as i know i should be but no matter how much i will it seems it would never be enough and all i will be left with is words that i love him but not being able to really prove it.
    I read about so many pastimes and stories of his and so many exalted souls had to work so much to attain him and i wonder how i could ever do even a fraction of all they did and so perhaps i will always have to make myself content simply by loving him from a distance and i could never be as close as so many others (i guess i should not get jealous or insecure because they afterall proved their love a thousand times over).
    Earlier it used to get me restless but knowing him more and more i am content with what i do have coming from him which is more than someone like me deserves , i am happy simply knowing that he knows that i love him and try to do the best i can though i falter at times , like u said , even if we forget him sometimes he comes and reminds us , i hope i will never again be forgetful of him and someday really be able to be close and dear to him and not be separated after that.

    • DrainPiper

      I know what you mean. Sometimes I think how can KRISHNA – THE LORD OF THIS UNIVERSE love me so closely the way he does… maybe he doesn’t. But then again, he has time and again proved that he loves me just as much as he loves each and every one of his children. Keep this desire to know and love him in your heart – he promises to give understanding from within to those who want to come to him! Love him in your own way – he’s not very fussy πŸ˜‰

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