A Reminder

I haven’t had much time to myself in a while. Even if I did, I’ve been far too worn out to do any serious thinking. This would explain my absence from the blogosphere. Juggling work, therapy, OCD and lots of personal problems just means I’m begging for relaxation. It also means that I will never be able to fully relax. That’s what you get with OCD, y’know? Just never stops.

I’ve been home the past couple days. My job contract ended and now I’m trying in other places. Got through one, just waiting for confirmation.

I wouldn’t have even written this blog post today. But something happened. Rather… Krishna happened.

I feel like a girl who has fallen out of love and now finds herself slowly sinking in again.

I’ve been busy lately, like I explained at the start of this post. Because of that, I haven’t given much of my time to Krishna. Also, another reason I haven’t done that is because I got tired of over-thinking life. My brain has far too many thoughts as it is, and I wanted to loosen up and stop taking everything so seriously. I still prayed. I still thought of him. Just not as much as I used to.

Oh, how I missed him. I missed thinking about him, talking to him, reading about him… I missed at all. But somehow I couldn’t get myself to do it. This afternoon, I’ve spent my time ‘reminiscing’ about all the wrong things I’ve done. Is there a word to describe a feeling worse than shame? I felt awful. I thought back to every mistake I made, every stupid decision I made, and how I have hurt my family and friends in the process of it all, even though they might not know it. I paced up and down, thinking back, feeling guilt and remorse, mentally apologizing to everyone, trying to forgive myself for it all and failing miserably.

I never thought I’d end up like this.

I was always little goody two-shoes. Studious, modest, patient, obedient, kind. How did I end up making such bad decisions in life? Look at me now. I’m struggling to find a job, struggling with such delicate health, and battling a mental disorder. 5 years ago, if you asked my classmates and professors how likely I was to succeed, EVERYONE would agree that I would breeze through life with grace. That’s what I was like. Everyone thought life was made for me. It was. It really was.
Then Life happened.

I’ve spent hours and hours in the last few years trying to figure things out, trying to forgive myself but it just doesn’t happen.

After spending the afternoon being washed over by waves of shame, I came into the living room, to see if the TV could prove to be a worthy distraction. I came in here, feeling pathetic, and turned on the TV. There was a woman on screen. But only for a second. She moved away, only to remind me of someone I had not thought of in a long time.

Krishna.

There was a statue of Radha and Krishna on screen. He does this EVERY time. He NEVER fails to love me even when I hate myself the most. See these simple gestures? He just wanted to remind me that he’s there, because he knows sometimes I forget. Yet he still loves. Tears filled my eyes as I asked him why he does this. Why does he always forgive me even though I keep sinning again and again, why does he love me even though I don’t deserve it? It didn’t even take him a second to make me realize that he is there, with open arms, to love me and forgive me and heal me from this distress. I may think I’m grown up now but I’m still a child. I’m still making mistakes every day. I stumble and fall but like a loving father, Krishna always holds my hand and helps me walk again.

Life is new everyday. It changes in a minute. The only constant is Krishna.

I hope I never forget that.

10 Comments

Filed under Krishna Consciousness, Testimonies + Miracles + Mercy Stories, Uncategorized

10 responses to “A Reminder

  1. dananjaya

    Haribol

    I’ve got the same feeling like you. I am far away from home. I work in germany, my wife is pregnant now, with the blessing from lord krisna maybe she will give abirth on november, but i am still here. I struggle with disstress and also about things that always make me scare,also of my health.i dont know is this a desease or because my mind full of burden or too disstress. I just pray to krisna, sometime i cried and cried if i remember what false and bad things that i have made to my parent, family and friends.hopely everything going fine, please pray for me.i have alot of thing to share to you.i have read your blog and it’s really support me to concious to krisna,i am not a perfect devotee,sometimes when i rally can not handle the burden on my head i begin to doubt the existense of lord krisna, but when i getting calm i start to regret and crying apologize to krisna, as you said he always forgive us.
    May lord krisna give his golden blessing to us….
    Haribol

    • DrainPiper

      Hare Krishna

      I am sorry to hear of your troubles. But I am happy to see that you know Krishna is always going to look after you and your family. I will pray for you, and the Lord will surely bring you out of all your troubles. I pray for your wife to have a healthy and safe delivery and may Krishna always guide you.

  2. LUEN

    Hello DP,
    Yes he is such a loving father, isn’t he? He never lets us forget him….thats his love for us:-)

    A few months back when i went shopping with my mom and her sis….it was like girls day out………we all ended-up shopping the whole day! went for lunch, had so much fun….talking, laughing, teasing and all…………….this stupid mind had totally forgotten all about its master and hero…..then we entered one shop….was still busy picking clothes for one another and there came a lady with a big stick full of peacock feathers attached to it….perhaps she wud have bought it in the platform shop or something…..but wat is the necessary for her to come right in front of me with that huge stick of peacock feathers at that time……..I became so still….my lips smiled ….my heartbeat increased ……..i was so in love:-))))……u know he can’t bear it if we forget him so much……..HE somehow reminds us about him…wat do i say…..after the shopping i went to my fav temple(oh u know tat temple, don’t u?…….i’ll hit u on ur head if u say…”Which temple?” )…& whn i went there he was all SMILES..:-)

    He loves us DP….don’t you worry about anything…HE IS THERE FOR YOU!

    Love,
    LUEN

    • DrainPiper

      Hehe! Your post made me giggle like a little girl! You are sooo right when you say that He doesn’t like it when we forget him! In such sneaky, subtle ways He reminds us that He is there! What a cute little prankster!

  3. lostgopi

    Hare Krishna,

    I feel your pain, I really do, because you’ve pretty much described the story of my life..regrets,letting people down,self sabotage,mildly hypochondriac,”over thinking life”…I graduated 2 months back , jobless and just clueless about where its all going. I am really bad at making big life decisions, i do all the hard work, analyze every detail and it makes little difference. Also the realities of life..how people change for no reason and grow up, apart.,die..i was on the verge of tears always, trying to figure it all out, when He came back..Krishna came back into my life and it was like i found something I’d lost years back as a child. I had loved Him as a little girl, gone ahead and forgotten Him, yet He still loved me,maybe. Maybe i had been looking for Him all along in all the wrong places, maybe that’s why the world didn’t make much sense to me, till i found Him. Just thinking of His loving promises, surrendering to however He decides to keep me, gives me strength. Like you said, the only constant is Krishna. He ‘ll never leave us. Hang in there,dp.
    Love, lost gopi
    (ohwell)

    • DrainPiper

      Wow. It felt like I was reading my own thoughts! My goodness, I can totally relate to everything you said about how you feel. I am constantly over-thinking EVERYTHING! I am so anxious all the time – I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and I am just constantly over-thinking every little thing. I’ve been like that ever since I was a child. It just gets so tiring!

      I am so glad you found Krishna again. You know, they say that if you turn even a screw for Krishna, He never forgets it. If you do anything for Krishna, He will never forget it. He is very grateful to us when we think of Him and I find that just so incredibly amazing. They say that even if we forget Krishna, He never forgets us. It’s beautiful consolation knowing that He remembers every little thing we do for Him.

      I pray that you grow more and more steady in your faith everyday!

  4. lostgopi

    Hi drainpiper,
    LUEN’s comment reminded me of my ‘Krishna experience’ i had, a few months back..Several things had got me down and i was in my room crying my eyes out..asking Krishna if he enjoyed seeing me like a wreck, even doubting Him a little. Then i listened to a few songs about Him on my mobile and felt a bit better (more like numb) . I was lying there humming this song that goes like ” Krishna,nee begane baro..”- It translates to ‘Krishna,come here soon’. I had heard it around a lot of times but since it’s in Kannada or something that was the only line i remembered and kept repeating it, not really feeling anything for Him though. Then i went down to get myself some tea. My grandma was in the porch reading the morning paper. Just then the postwoman came at the gate and she asked me to go get it. I almost choked up again when the lady placed the post in my hands, tried to hide the varied emotions on my face..It was the ‘Guruvayoor Prasadam’ with the words ” With the blessings of Sri Guruvayurappan” written on it!! ( Guruvayurappan ( Lord of Guruvayur) is Krishna itself) My granma gets the prasad by post , every 2 months or so i think..but that’s not the point..It’s that He came when i called , that too in no time, when i least expected Him! He made me come down, hold Him, just to show me He is there for me! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
    I have asked him for a sign that He’s listening , mostly for a peacock feather or anything related 2 Him , numerous times, but all i get is a smile πŸ™‚ That one isolated incident could ,maybe, be just a coincidence.. still, we know better,right ? He comes when He chooses, teases us cruelly, loves us more, leaves us longing..what can we do but wait..
    Sorry for such a long post!

    • DrainPiper

      OMG WOWWW! I had goosebumps!!!!! He’s just so so soooo sweet, isn’t heee?! Wow, that was just AMAZING. I loved reading every bit of your comment! Really wonderful πŸ™‚ He’s just like that you know… When I think about Him and the kind of relationship I share with him, I feel like He and I we share a secret and no one else has a clue! I don’t know how he does it! It reminds me of how he had so many wives yet each one of them never felt like his attention was divided. I feel like all of us have a very secret relationship with him!

      Happy Janmashtami btw! πŸ™‚

      • lostgopi

        Hey there,
        Hope things are okay with you..I just wanted to share this song i’ve been listening to – ‘Shyam’ by Pia Gaurangi. Its truly beautiful and calming.
        PS- i know! Guess who’s the Lord of Sweetness πŸ™‚

      • DrainPiper

        Oh yes, I am familiar with that song. It’s beautiful!! Thanks for sharing! πŸ™‚

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