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THIS BLOG HAS MOVED

Hi all,

I am moving this blog to a new address. I would appreciate it if you could make this one little change to your bookmarks 🙂

The new address is http://bloggingupthedrainpipe.blogspot.com

It’s just one word that is different. I will no longer be using wordpress and will not be updating this blog. All the old posts from this wordpress blog have been moved to the new blogspot page. I would hate to lose you and would miss your comments on my posts so please update the URL and visit my new page! See you there 🙂

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Prayer Request for Hari Krishnan

Hari Krishnan said:

I am amazed by the prayer requests over here. I am praying for all of them sincerely.

I am 23 year old guy trying to attend interview for the designation – Software Developer next week. Recently i learnt in Bhagavad Gita that designations are illusions in material world that drives away from Lord Krishna.

This company which i m attending interview is near ISKCON Temple..I want to get selected in this company for the sake of supreme personality of Godhead – Lord Krishna. This is my ultimate happiness to do devotional service to the Lord. I am unemployed right now. I m trying to study hard for the interview. Hope Lord Krishna helps me to gain lot of Hard Work, will power and curiosity to learn things quickly. I wanted to feel confident about my knowledge in programming and answer all questions in interview successfully.

I want to get selected in this company in the will of Lord Krishna.
Please do pray for me..

Will Dedicate the fruitive results to the Lord,
Hari krishnan.

First off, I am so sorry for getting back to your comment after such a long time. Your interview date has passed by now but I hope it went well. I don’t know what your current status is but I pray that Krishna will pave the way for you to build a good stable career that will help you to provide for yourself and your family. Krishna sees your desire to be close to him and his places of worship. No matter where you are, I pray that Krishna will always make his presence felt in your life. Let Krishna steer your chariot the way he steered Arjuna’s and let him guide you always. I pray that Krishna will help you find a good job and that he will help you develop deeper faith in him. Krishna says in the Gita:

“To those who are constantly devoted to serving Me with love, I give the understanding by which they can come to Me.”  BG 10.10

So remain devoted and try to spend some time with him. He will surely fulfil his promise and give you the understanding you need.

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Prayer Request for Lasyte

Lasyte said:

I feel so sad today… I feel not deserve even telling the reasons… I know, Krishna knows all of them… I just want to ask somebody help me to pray, pray with me, for me, please… Krishna, please, guide me, be with me, please…

Lasyte

Lord Krishna, your devotee Lasyte is feeling sad. The reasons are already known to you. Lord, please give Lasyte the strength to face this and to come out of this stronger than before. Fill Lasyte with your joy and provide guidance please. Thank you for having blessed Lasyte with knowledge of you and with the knowledge that only you can eradicate all misery. You promise in the Gita that to those who seek you, you provide guidance from within. You are known as Dinabandhu, meaning Friend of the Destitute and Afflicted. Please help your dear devotee, Krishna, and end Lasyte’s pain and suffering.

Lasyte, I am terribly sorry that you are feeling this way. I hope Krishna will help you. Remember him and call out to him. Remember these promises Krishna has made:

“To those who are constantly devoted to serving Me with love, in give the understanding by which they can come to Me.” – BG 10.10

“He quickly becomes righteous and attains lasting peace. O Son of Kunti, declare it boldly that My devotee never perishes.” – BG 9.31

“But those who worship Me with devotion, meditating on My transcendental form – to them I carry what they lack and preserve what they have.” – BG 9.22

Thus Krishna promises to guide you, to sustain you and to carry what you lack. Look to him for strength and guidance. I hope you will feel better soon. If there is anything I can assist you with, please do not hesitate to let me know.

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A Reminder

I haven’t had much time to myself in a while. Even if I did, I’ve been far too worn out to do any serious thinking. This would explain my absence from the blogosphere. Juggling work, therapy, OCD and lots of personal problems just means I’m begging for relaxation. It also means that I will never be able to fully relax. That’s what you get with OCD, y’know? Just never stops.

I’ve been home the past couple days. My job contract ended and now I’m trying in other places. Got through one, just waiting for confirmation.

I wouldn’t have even written this blog post today. But something happened. Rather… Krishna happened.

I feel like a girl who has fallen out of love and now finds herself slowly sinking in again.

I’ve been busy lately, like I explained at the start of this post. Because of that, I haven’t given much of my time to Krishna. Also, another reason I haven’t done that is because I got tired of over-thinking life. My brain has far too many thoughts as it is, and I wanted to loosen up and stop taking everything so seriously. I still prayed. I still thought of him. Just not as much as I used to.

Oh, how I missed him. I missed thinking about him, talking to him, reading about him… I missed at all. But somehow I couldn’t get myself to do it. This afternoon, I’ve spent my time ‘reminiscing’ about all the wrong things I’ve done. Is there a word to describe a feeling worse than shame? I felt awful. I thought back to every mistake I made, every stupid decision I made, and how I have hurt my family and friends in the process of it all, even though they might not know it. I paced up and down, thinking back, feeling guilt and remorse, mentally apologizing to everyone, trying to forgive myself for it all and failing miserably.

I never thought I’d end up like this.

I was always little goody two-shoes. Studious, modest, patient, obedient, kind. How did I end up making such bad decisions in life? Look at me now. I’m struggling to find a job, struggling with such delicate health, and battling a mental disorder. 5 years ago, if you asked my classmates and professors how likely I was to succeed, EVERYONE would agree that I would breeze through life with grace. That’s what I was like. Everyone thought life was made for me. It was. It really was.
Then Life happened.

I’ve spent hours and hours in the last few years trying to figure things out, trying to forgive myself but it just doesn’t happen.

After spending the afternoon being washed over by waves of shame, I came into the living room, to see if the TV could prove to be a worthy distraction. I came in here, feeling pathetic, and turned on the TV. There was a woman on screen. But only for a second. She moved away, only to remind me of someone I had not thought of in a long time.

Krishna.

There was a statue of Radha and Krishna on screen. He does this EVERY time. He NEVER fails to love me even when I hate myself the most. See these simple gestures? He just wanted to remind me that he’s there, because he knows sometimes I forget. Yet he still loves. Tears filled my eyes as I asked him why he does this. Why does he always forgive me even though I keep sinning again and again, why does he love me even though I don’t deserve it? It didn’t even take him a second to make me realize that he is there, with open arms, to love me and forgive me and heal me from this distress. I may think I’m grown up now but I’m still a child. I’m still making mistakes every day. I stumble and fall but like a loving father, Krishna always holds my hand and helps me walk again.

Life is new everyday. It changes in a minute. The only constant is Krishna.

I hope I never forget that.

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A Letter to Krishna

Dear Krishna,

I miss you. Its been such a long time since I felt close to you. Like always, its my fault. I don’t spend enough time with you and getting to know you. Do you miss me too Krishna? I know you do. You always do. But why do you stay so far away from me sometimes? Why do you make me long for you like this?

Things have been hard for me lately. With this OCD, and weak physical condition, every day has become difficult. But this must be part of your plan for me. It must be necessary for me so that I can become the person that you want me to be, so that I can realize my true spiritual identity, and so that I can learn to depend on you and trust you. You didn’t hide this misery from us. From the beginning you told us that this world is dukhalayam asasvatam – full of miseries. You told us that while we are in this material world, we will experience birth, disease, old age and death. So this was no secret. Of course. You would never hide anything from us.

Despite knowing this, I still waste my time trying to find material happiness instead of trying to find you. But Gopinath, do you think I am being too materialistic when I ask you for things? I should hope not. I wouldn’t want to disappoint you and put to waste all the time and effort you spent on molding me. While I am in this material world, I am going to have needs. You understand this of course. That’s why you have so mercifully given us ways to make our material desires spiritual ones by keeping you in the center. It is not easy to do this all the time because I still have a long way to go on this path to being able to even be called a devotee of Lord Krishna. So I will admit I still have many material desires. And I almost always beg you to grant my wishes. If I don’t come to you, if I don’t ask you, then whom shall I ask? There is no one for me but you. Forgive me Lord for asking you for so much all the time. Every day I have a new demand. But Krishna, just like you waited for Sudama to ask you to fulfill his needs, I know you expect us to come to you with our needs.

I cannot compare myself to Sudama, I know. But I am trying to learn from your leelas. Am I your friend, Lord? Are you mine? You are the Eternal Friend of every soul in this entire creation. And as your friend, my dear dear Govinda, I am asking you to be my release, to be my guide, to provide for me, to support me, to stay by my side, to protect me and to help me love you forever. If you think of me as your friend, Gopinath, please consider my requests. In the Gita, you say that the reasons one approaches you is either (1) due to distress, (2) due to desire of wealth, (3) out of curiosity and (4) to know the absolute truth. My Lord, I have come before you now because I am in distress and I desire for you to provide for me.

I am tired of this weak physical condition. I am tired of having OCD. It depresses me so much that I do not have a job while all my friends do. I know earlier I wanted a job simply because all my friends had one and I didn’t. And I’m glad you didn’t give me a job at that time because that is a terrible attitude to have. It is selfish. It would feed my ego. Then when I got a job, it was low paying. Again, it was much lesser than my friends were getting. But again, I am glad about it because that too would have fed my ego about how much money I had. But Gopal, I had to quit that job. I had to quit. After 9 months of trouble finding a job, struggling with OCD and failing health, I finally found the perfect job. But I had to quit because of the washrooms. It hurts so bad Gopinath it hurts so bad. The morning after I quit I woke up feeling the deepest regret – thinking I should have gone to work and tried to use the washroom again, should have tried to adjust to it… I should have. I would have still had my job, I would have fallen in love with my job, I would have earned money at the end of the month and donated some to propagate Krishna Consciousness, and helped pay for my sister’s university fees, helped my family… But I had to quit, Gopinath. And I feel so much regret. I wish I was stronger than this.

But I am starting to think that it all happened so fast. And that it was all your desire. It was your will. Not even a blade of grass moves without your sanction so how could this have happened if it wasn’t in your desire? My Lord, you have your reasons for this which I cannot see right now but I trust that it will be revealed to me in time.

I trust you Krsna. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of reminders of you. On the first day of work, I saw a devotee chanting in the metro. That was new! I never saw any devotees in the metro before. Then day before yesterday while driving, I saw a devotee chanting in the car in the lane on my left! Again, this was something completely new. Yesterday, I asked you for a sign to give me hope about my job and to release me from these feelings of regret. I asked you to give me a sign so I would know that your plan for me is in action and you have a job in my future. And I saw a devotee from my Gita class (which was also supposed to be yesterday) at the hypermarket. I have rarely ever seen devotees outside. And it was a big shocker since Gita class was supposed to have been going on at that hour. Maybe it was cancelled, I don’t know. But I felt like it was a sign from you, Krsna, reminding me of you and of your family of devotees.

You have made me realize that this is not a competition. It is not a race. I don’t need to earn a salary that is higher than that of my friends. And I thank you for this realization. While some of my friends have reached the top with little effort, perhaps I am one of those people who needs to work hard and struggle to get there. No complaints, Gopinath, for it is your divine will. All I ask is your company. Just stay with me and I will fight this war.

Oh Madhava, please help me find a job that will suit me perfectly in every way, and which will not hamper my devotional service to you. Lord, help me overcome these feelings of regret. Krsna, heal me of these ailments and make me well again. Please God. I beg you. There is no one to help me but you. You are my only friend and you are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Please fill me with the spirit of your devotion. Fill me with your love and faith. I thank you for all the blessings in my life and I thank you for the blessings I know you will continue to pour on me. Forgive me for having upset you so many times. I love you, Krsna. I trust you with my heart and soul. Please stay close to me, my beautiful Madhava. Stay close to my heart and love me always.

Sincerely,
Your daughter

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I quit

I quit my job.
I could not even last a day there!
I cannot even begin to express how upset I am about the whole situation. The office itself was great. Since it was my first day, the whole office took me to the restaurant downstairs for a welcome lunch. Everyone was awfully nice to me. As soon as they saw me they came over to introduce themselves to me. The office and job was really perfect. I could wear casual clothes and sandals to work! So I wouldn’t even worry about dirtying my “good clothes”.

But alas… The office washroom had to be pathetic. And believe me it was not just my perception of the washroom. The bathrooms really were very bad. It seemed obvious that they invested in style rather than performance and functionality. So appearance wise they were clean and stylish but very difficult and uncomfortable to use.
To stay at the job, I thought I’d look for other better washrooms nearby. I checked the hotel washroom, the one in the next office building, and also the one next to that. All of them seemed to have been designed with the same protocol in mind: that of looking good. Pipes were leaking, buttons requiring immense strength, splashing faucets, water pressure all wrong… Oh it was a nightmare!

After my first day at work ended, I got home and sent out a long, confidential email honestly telling my bosses that I was diagnosed with OCD and while it was under control, the environment outside of the office was aggravating my situation and I cannot take up this job. They were very nice about it and said that my health is priority and that they were disappointed to see me go. I am disappointed too. After 9 months I had finally found a good job at a great, warm and welcoming office. Sadly due to bad facilities I had to leave.

Trust me, I feel so stupid even saying that I left my job because of poor functioning washrooms. It seems so silly! If there was a way to work around it I would have stayed. I felt really stupid swapping washrooms too. Like the one in the lobby had a tiny sink. So I would use the tiny sink for the time being and then go upstairs and use the bigger sink in the office washroom to wash my hands again till I felt clean. Same problem with the other building washrooms. My skin had terrible red cuts, burns and sores from using the strong soap in their washrooms so much. I kept going back and forth from one washroom to another, feeling unbearably filthy all day long.

Being the way that I am, I feel a sense of regret, thinking what if I tried again and I could just force myself to use the facilities and get used to it. But if I stayed at the job, I would end up feeling disgusting everyday. I would get used to it in the office but as soon as I came home, I would have to handwash my clothes, shower again (which takes 1-1.5 hours just by the way), and end up sleeping late and then wake up a few hours later (at 3 AM) to shower again to make it on time for work.

And I don’t want that kind of a life.

So I quit.

One of the reasons I decided to work was so that I would be put in situations where I have to interact with others, and so I would be forced to use a washroom outside of my house. But it’s so unfair that I would be made to use a washroom that doesn’t even fit normal standards! If it was a normal, well functioning washroom, I would not have complained like this. And I still would have had a job.
In a way it was an eye opener. Being in a bad situation yesterday made me realize how much better I have it at home even though I used to complain about it. In a way it was a blessing because now I feel slightly relaxed to be using washrooms that I feel a little comfortable in.

Anyway, today is a new day so I’m going to start my job hunt again. Oh Krishna, please help me find a good job in an environment I will be comfortable in.

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I feel blessed

I am pleased to tell you all that Krishna has blessed me with a job! Thank You, Lord. I doubted You but like always, You have proved me wrong.

The job role is that of a Market Research Assistant in an international company here in Dubai. The good thing about this office is the casual atmosphere so I don’t need to wear formal clothes. And it’s a desk job so I don’t have to go into unfamiliar environments. So this is great considering the fact that I have OCD and these were some of my main concerns.

It is much much better than the other jobs I had been offered. It is in an accessible area, close to some of my friends’ offices, and best of all – they work NORMAL hours i.e. 40 hours/week. Most companies work 6 days/week and 10 hours/day. This again is another blessing because working 6 days a week would really kill me!

I’m beginning to think that Krishna was just waiting until I was ready to work. By His mercy, my mental and physical health has been slowly getting better. In the middle I decided to quit looking for a job because it felt like it was too much to handle. But recently I started going for interviews again. And obviously I was upset when I didn’t receive callbacks. In retrospect I’m glad I didn’t because at that time, working would have been quite difficult and those offices were so far away and not of very good standards (in terms of my hygiene obsessions). Those jobs required traveling and moving around a lot and that’s something I’m not ready for yet.

The pay isn’t a lot, as compared to what some of my friends are getting. But honestly, after about 9 months of looking for a job, I’m grateful. Grateful to Krishna and grateful to all of you who have wished me well. My family could use the financial help and I could use the experience. My therapist said it would be a good idea to work because it would put me in situations where I have to deal with things. For instance if I get dirty, I can’t shower there. So I have to sit through it, do my work and then go home. So it will leave me no choice but to deal with it and make my peace with it.

Well let’s see how it goes. My first day of work is going to be on October 2nd. Here’s hoping everything goes well and Krishna stays right there with me like a parent stays with a child on their first day of school. I hope I’ll be able to do this job well and make the most of it, and also, that the bathrooms are beautiful and to my liking!

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